Flying Blind

Fifteen-year-old Eseld Pederick, or ‘Essie’ as she prefers to be called, lives in a small Australian seaside town with her parents, younger sister Merryn and their two dogs. School, piano lessons and hanging out with Chloe and Ashleigh are what fill most of her days.

But lately, Essie’s been feeling as though she’s not cool enough to hang out with Chloe and Ashleigh. Especially Chloe. All they want to talk about is the gym (boring) and boys. Essie likes boys, too—well, one boy, Ashleigh’s brother Ryan—but she worries that the other girls think she’s too immature to like him. He’s in Year Eleven, after all, and a surf lifesaver to boot. Essie could never tell Ryan that she goes to church, let alone tell Chloe and Ashleigh. And no one knows that she takes piano lessons.

She desperately wants to talk to her dad about how she’s feeling, but he’s never home. His new job keeps him busy, all day, every day. Sometimes he’s not even home for dinner. And her mum is busy with work and Merryn. Maybe the new boy, Jowan…? But Chloe and Ashleigh think he’s a loser and that no one should be caught dead with him.

Whirling between a hundred different opinions on her life, Essie has yet to discover her own. 

When Essie’s desire to ‘fit in’ leads her to make choices that could have ended in tragedy, she realises that she needs to understand who she really is, and not allow those around her to decide what she will and won’t do. 

A story of friendship, family and coming-of-age, ‘Flying Blind’ takes an insightful look at what it really means to be fifteen and caught between family expectations and peer pressure.

It illustrates the conflict between Christian faith and belief structures and the pressure experienced by teens who don’t want to feel like outsiders, and juxtaposes true friends with those who masquerade as friends, while deploying peer group pressure, gaslighting and coercive control.

An interesting and engaging read from an award-winning Australian author. 

Favourite Quote: “I finally feel like a swan, growing, flying, rising, skimming the water like a travelling spirit.”

false versus true friendship, family, coming-of-age, belief systems, peer group pressure, choices, self-confidence, music, Anglo-Saxon poetry, Christianity, doubts, self-discovery, Arthurian legends, storytelling, writing poetry, horse riding, gaslighting, coercive control, manipulation, courage

1. Essie goes to Chloe’s to watch movies with the girls, but some guys turns up with alcohol. After the first movie, one of the boys streams another from his laptop. Essie feels ill when she realizes there is going to be a rape scene, and is even more disturbed when the girl doesn’t scream. Her ‘friends’ laugh. Essie realizes it’s ‘soft porn’. She wishes her mum had banned her from coming. She tries not to watch but isn’t confident enough to just leave (p29-30). There is no description of the porn or any other sexualised behaviour, other than what has been described here. It’s purpose is to portray peer group pressure, and how difficult it can be to stand up and be counted when your friends are okay with something you are not, as well as the ongoing impact on teens who view it. 2. Afterwards, Ryan —who Essie has a secret crush on—sits next to her and holds her hand (it’s the first time she has held hands with a boy). He has clearly been drinking and soon falls asleep. Essie knows intellectually that he has been drinking and that his attention may well be due to the fact they are the only singles in the room, but she still feels a little flutter of hope that the boy she likes, may actually like her in return. The next day at school he purportedly sends her a romantic note (p32-33). 3. Essie feels shame at having been at Chloe’s while the porn was playing (p36). It causes her to feel like she doesn’t fit in anywhere—after all, what kind of a nice Christian girl does that? And since she always has to be on guard around Chloe and the rest of their friends, it doesn’t feel like she fits with them either. So where does she really belong? 4. Chloe likes to exclude people, rather than include, using ‘rules’ that she has determined. They might be in a larger body, like Erik, not want to drink alcohol, be a try-hard for trying to dress like her, or not fashionable for not dressing like her enough. She also subtly messes with people psychologically, eg. telling Essie when they first met what lovely green eyes she has, then later telling she should wear coloured contact lenses. She makes it seem like refusing her—on anything—is not an option. 5. When Essie says she can’t come over for another movie night, Chloe turns on her and sends her abusive text messages (p40). Essie can’t stop thinking about it, worrying about it and trying to work out how to make things ‘right’ with Chloe. Eventually she tells Chloe a secret about another girl at school, to get out of trouble herself (p71-72) and afterwards is horrified with herself for doing it. 6. Language: bitch x 2. 7. Passing reference to probable sexual innuendos in Anglo-Saxon poetry—in the context of Jowan being embarrassed to talk about it – not actually described (p47). 8. Ryan kisses Essie. It’s her first kiss (p79). She’s confused by the experience, because he behaves before and after as if nothing happened. Ryan continuously blows hot and cold. 9. An older girl at youth group – Josephine – warns Essie about viewing ‘guys as the ribbon at the end of the race’. She tells her (without details) that she had a boyfriend when she was 16, and instead of standing up to him, she did things she didn’t want to do. She ended up in a mess with anorexia and although she is ok now she will always have to be careful about how she eats etc. (p84). 10. Essie talks to Jowan about doubts she feels about her faith (p92-93). 11. Chloe wants Essie to go to a club with them, and dangles Ryan as the carrot (p103-104). A friend of hers will provide them with fake IDs. Chloe makes her up to look older. In the club, Ryan keeps buying her drinks. She tries to only take a few sips but ends up drinking quite a bit overall. Another guy puts his arm around her and brushes against her breast. She tries to get him off but he won’t let go. He only does so when Ryan comes back. When they leave, Ryan starts kissing her (p133-7). They go into a room at Chloe’s and kiss again. His hand moves up her leg and she hears him unzip. She is only able to get him to stop by yelling. He is not impressed, and makes it clear he is only there for fun, not because he cares for her (p138-140). She leaves, realizing that Chloe has been engineering this all along, trying to have her believe Ryan really cares. She walks to the beach, and does what she has been avoiding – she talks to God (p141-2). 12. Essie realises (to her horror) that her little sister Merryn is following her lead and worrying about whether she looks cool enough, or whether she is ‘fat’. She wants to be just like Essie (p108). 13. Classmate Laila wears a hijab. Essie is surprised at her courage to wear something that could —and does at times—make her a target for others. She recalls a YouTube video about Egyptian girls, who are Christian, tattooing a cross on the back of their hand (signifying their faith). “A girl was raped because of that cross. It was skinned off her hand too. How depraved is that.” No further description (p116). 14. Essie walks past a couple entwined on the beach (no description). She wonders what the big deal is about ‘making out’ as it seems that in every story or movie, the characters jump into bed. ‘It’s normal for the 21st century. You’re considered weird now if you don’t’ (p118). Her dad told her there is nothing wrong with saying ‘no’. She thinks about the romantic notion of having sex with Ryan (she is not imagining the physical) , and then she remembers the awful images she saw on the movie and wonders if she will ever be able to get them out of her mind (p119). 15. Throughout the story, Essie is really missing her dad who has a new job where he works extremely long hours. He rarely, if ever, answers her text messages or emails, and she barely gets to see him. It could be inferred this is the part of the reason that Essie has been acting out. In the closing chapter, he lets them know that his work have realized he is over committed, and are changing things so he can work less hours, closer to home. 16. Essie’s mum explains why she thinks it’s good to wait to have sex until after you are married – ‘the amount of physical contact should match the amount of commitment to each other’. She tells Essie if she doesn’t agree, they won’t throw her out of the house, but that they hope that if she does choose a different path, she at least waits until she is 18 before she acts on it (p160-1). Her Mum’s view on their belief system is to: ‘get a good foundation, then make up your mind’, Essie realises she has already decided to follow God (p168).